


What if I Can't

by trash_roll



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Logan tries to commit the not alive, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders is Trans, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Good Friend, Not Really Character Death, Suicide Attempt, btw they're humans not in the mind scape lol, i hope this is ok lol, it's p sad, not sure what to tag besides this is sad, read with caution please!!!, some are unsympathetic, this is for my boyfriend :), trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29330244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trash_roll/pseuds/trash_roll
Summary: Logan has problems. Many, many problems. He feels like no one can help him. Slowly, he deteriorates. So, he decides to live his last day today.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	What if I Can't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Angst_Dimension](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angst_Dimension/gifts).



> hi baby  
> I know things have been hard lately, but you know, just read this (if you're comfortable)

It's... dark in here.

Quiet, empty, lonely. 

Nowhere to go, no one to talk to. 

I feel lost, scared. I don't feel, though. But, I do. I hate it. I hate all of this. I hate it here. I hate myself. 

I'm laying in bed, staring at my ceiling. It's almost time for me to get up and go to school. I don't mind school, it gets me out of the house. But it leads me to others. Other people. 

I hear my alarm go off, and I barely flinch at it. I'm not sure how much sleep I got, but whatever I got, I got. I get up and press the button to my clock, going to my dresser and taking out my school outfit. I cringe at it, every time I look at it. It's a schoolgirl outfit. I feel disgusting every time I wear it... I put it on, flattening out my skirt, and putting shorts on under. I don't like the way I look. Standing in my full-body mirror with my thigh high socks on and my skirt and shirt, I feel... out of the ordinary. My hair is short, messy since I haven't messed with it, but blocking out the bottom part of myself, that looks at least a little better than the rest. My body is bigger in size too. Not by much, but enough to notice it when my clothes are off. I grip the edge of my shirt, looking down at myself. I don't like the way I look. I look so out of place. So, incorrect. None of the calculations make sense. I don't make sense. Everything is so wrong. I don't feel like I belong here, no one would miss me anyway, right? I'm just the nerd who likes math, history, books, and other stuff like that. I don't make an impact on anything or anyone. The only person that stays around me is Patton. I don't even know if he considers me as a friend, if he does, I have no idea why. I'm nothing special. I'm no one. Nothing... I shouldn't be here anymore. I hate everything about myself, nothing works, no one loves me, no one cares about me.

I pause. That's it. That's the answer to all of my problems. I'll just... get rid of myself. How hard should it be? Dying is easy, it can be done within seconds. Today... today could be the day. My last day today. 

I try my best to push my parents aside, as I don't enjoy them much. They're strict, religious. Extremely religious. I came out to them as gay, demi, and trans; they shoved the bible down my throat. Show me overly sexual content. I'm uncomfortable with that stuff, and I've told them that countless times. They don't listen. They don't care. It just proves my point that no one cares about me. I don't want to say goodbye to them. Maybe my grandma, but I'm not sure. I sigh and leave the house with my bag. 

I walk down the street, my school not that far from my house. The walk is short, but I like it. It's peaceful... away from all the screaming, religious stuff, politics... it's nice. 

I pass the convince store, the pet graveyard that always interests me. A few more stores that don't make much of an impact on me, but my mom loves one of them. Things she enjoys are always in the clearance section. 

Before I know it, I'm standing in front of my school, watching students go in and out. Suppose I'm one that goes in... I walk up the steps and through the gates, keeping my head down. I try to stay away from human contact as it freaks me out just a little too much. 

I make it inside to my locker and lean against it, sliding my bag off and opening it. 

"Hello!" I flinch, hearing my friend greet me in a singing voice. 

"Greetings, Roman," I reply, continuing to take a book out of my bag. Roman has been my friend for a few years now. Well, friend is an overstatement. He's... eh. I have been beginning to notice the patterns in him. He does multiple things to make me uncomfortable, such as insults, certain words, topics... he's much more like his brother, Remus, than he likes to admit. At least Remus is more bearable than him. I'd much rather take Remus out to a party than Roman. I pause. Why am I thinking like this? What kind of asshole am I? Why am I so rude to the ones who care about me? Or, he doesn't care about me. He's just, there. 

"What are you reading?" He asks. I tell him the book I have. It's a murder mystery. "Marvelous! You know, I was actually going to go practice for my part in the play that's about in a month!"

"Oh, is that so? That's..."

"Yes! I will be playing the main character, the prince that saves the lost man from the terrible villain!" Roman rambled, and I slightly caved in on myself. He always talks about himself, and I feel selfish for feeling left out. It's not like he's not including me, but, he isn't including me. Well, I might as well make my last day with him not annoying. I know I'm always annoying him, so maybe if I'm just silent, he'll enjoy it. 

I watch him talk before he got distracted by something else and excuse himself, then walk off. I never got a chance to explain the book to him...

"Heya, kiddo!" I hear another voice. It's Patton. Patton walked over to me happily, holding a cookie in his hand.

"Greetings, Patton. How are you?" Something in Patton seemed to turn when I spoke. I knew I made him upset. I always knew he hated me.

"I'm good! How are you?" Patton asked in his cheery tone. 

"I am fine, I have almost finished up my book," I hold it to show.

"Ooh, what's it about?"

I hesitate, "It's about a family who was murdered, and no one knows why. But, eventually, they find out that the husband was a cheater, and everyone is suspecting that it was the wife, so they're trying to gather as much data as possible. But, here's the twist, the wife is actually not the murderer! The wife knew of his whereabouts but didn't do anything. It was actually the person he got with who killed him, and they're trying to see why!" I go on, then shake my head, "I just spoiled it. I apologize."

"No, no, kiddo, it's ok. I love listening to you talk." He says, his voice going softer. I don't know why, but, it was weird hearing it. 

"I am glad I do not bother you much,"

"You don't bother me at all kiddo! Also, off-topic, but do you think we can hang out today?"

"Actually, I apologize Pat, but I have a busy schedule today." 

Patton's eyebrows twitched, but he laughed, "It's ok! Busy with the studying, I suppose? Well, that's alright." Patton smiled sweetly at me. I made him angry, and he's trying to hide it. He doesn't have to hide it, I deserve to get yelled at, I'm a terrible person for lying.

"I suppose. Perhaps another time," I say, holding my book close. 

"Sounds great!" He said and slid a cookie between my book and chest. "Just a little gift for being a great friend." He winked then giggled. 

"Thank you," I say, taking the cookie. I nod to him and walk off, eating it. I'm so selfish for doing all of this. Everyone else is going to be better off without me, I'm nothing but a burden even if they don't say anything. I know I bother them, they don't need to say anything. 

I make it to the library and sit down in my regular chair, and begin to read. The girl who slept with the husband apparently killed him since she felt betrayed. He was taken, she loved him, and he used her. So she killed him. She ran from the police, not wanting to be locked up, and she eventually jumped to her death. Grim ending, but the children and wife are ok. I finish it within the hour, shutting the book, and get up for class as the bell rang. 

The entire time I'm in classes, I can't focus. I'm trying to figure out how to end it all. How to end everyone else's suffering from me. I've been trying to think of the quickest way since no one should see me rot. I'm not special like that. I can't use a gun, knives leave me to rot, I don't have pills anymore. I think of every situation I could do, all the deaths I could pick from. I just want the quickest one. 

Lunch came around, and we normally sat on the roof to eat. It was pretty high up. No one really cared where students ate as long as they didn't make a mess. 

Along with me bothering myself all day with the options, I've noticed Patton has been eager to hang out with me today. I don't know why, but he's been acting like a clingy puppy. Maybe he's just touch starved. He's mentioned it before that when he's close with others, he's just affectionate, but he's only been like this with me. 

"Hey, kiddo! Can I sit with you?" Patton asked. 

"Sure," I reply, eating a piece of turkey. 

Patton takes a seat next to me, pulling out pockey and eating it. "Oh! Also," Patton slid a hand into his pocket and handed me a small pink card. I take it and open it. "Happy early valentines day! Just thought I'd give you something." He smiled. 

It was a card with a pig on it with wings. "Don't go bacon my heart." I read aloud, and he giggles. It takes me a second but then I sigh, and he laughed out loud. "I get it," I mutter.

"Yes! Got you!" He giggled. I smile gently. "So, have you thought about any day we can hang out?" He asked. "I was thinking the fourteenth." He said. That's in about four days. That's a little too long. 

"I'll see about it," I say. He seems to stutter, but he nods.

"Hey, Logan," Patton starts, and I look at him, "If you ever need anything, I'm here." He smiles at me.

"I know, you're my friend of course you'd be there for me."

"Yeah."

* * *

As it nears the end of the day, I feel like it nears the end of my time. My head is filled with nothing but thoughts of ending it. Thoughts of getting rid of myself, then maybe I won't be so much of a burden anymore. I won't have to suffer with myself anymore. And, I had come to the conclusion of what I want to do. 

I watch Patton get his items out of his locker, and he shut the door. He looks up at me and smiles, "Hi, Logan!" He exclaimed happily.

"Greetings, Patton." I nod once to him.

Patton's hand twitched slightly, and my mind defaulted to the image of him choking me. "So... any date?" 

"Not yet. I will think about it more. I am just thinking about studying. You should get home before your parents yell at you." I suggest, and he slowly nods. 

"Yeah... see you later Logan." He says and turns around walking off. 

I watch him walk off, and once he exits the building, I turn around and walk down the hall that repeats itself over and over again. I can only tell the subtle differences by some club posters and the room numbers. I walk the flight of steps that lead up to the roof and stroll around. The roof was cleared, and I managed to dodge a few teachers that would look for any lingering students. Once they were gone, I walk to one of the railings, gripping onto it and looking down. Below was concrete and a gate. It was high enough, right? 

I lift my legs up carefully, stepping over the gate, and turn to face forward. I balance myself on the little ground I had. I hold onto the railing as my feet barely hang onto the ledge. I barely have any foot ground as the railings block most of it. My back is pressed against the rail, looking down. I don't feel any fear, no regrets, nothing. I am not paying attention to anything besides wondering how high up I am. I should be high enough to end it all, depending on how I land, and my know-how. I take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and lean forward, letting go of the bar. I feel the ground under me begin to disappear as I greet my death.

Suddenly, I stop moving. I didn't get very far, but my heels are barely on the corner of the building. I open my eyes to see myself dangling off of the ledge. Why did I stop? It's physically impossible to balance like this. I feel a tight grip on my wrist, and I turn around, seeing Patton. The one who hangs around me all the time. My friend? He's crying, sobbing. He's holding my arm with a tight grip and holding onto the bar as well. I look at him with a blank expression, but he is filled with his emotions. His eyes say something... it's pleading -

"Please, Logan," Patton wailed, "don't jump."

Something about his voice cracking. Something about the way he looks, the way he's holding desperately onto my arm, begging for me to not jump. For me to not let go. For me to not...end it all.

I blink a few times, pain shooting through my chest within milliseconds. No, this was supposed to be quick and easy. Why do I want this to stop? Why do I want to go back? How did Patton even know I was going to do this? Did he find me by accident? He should've come later. 

Patton gripped my harder, then pressed his torso against the bars, using his other hand to better his grip. "Please! I can't pull you up myself like this! Please don't leave me!" Patton sobbed, his grip digging into my skin as he was desperate to bring me back. But I don't understand why. 

"I don't belong here Patton, let me go." I protest. 

"Shut the fuck up, Logan!" He almost screamed. I'd be more surprised at Patton cursing if I didn't drain out my emotions, but, he continued, "There's so much more than this! So many more outlets you can take that are safer, better for everyone! I know you feel like shit, like no one is there for you, but please don't leave me! I'm begging you!" Patton cried, his grip growing tighter. I'm surprised my arm hasn't numbed out yet. "I need you, Logan, you're the greatest friend I've ever had, no matter how fucked up your mental state is. I love you with everything in me; losing you is like a piece of me dying!" 

"I don't understand,"

"You're not going to, a-and that's ok! But please, please come back, please don't leave me... please don't leave everyone who loves you,"

"No one loves me, Patton,"

"If no one loved you, then why am I trying to stop you?" Patton exclaimed through his tears, "Why does everyone ask you if you're ok every day, and not wanting to hear the typical good, but actually wanting to know if you're ok! Logan, people love you, even if you don't see it! Please don't let go, don't give up," Patton tried to pull me. "Please, don't leave me... I-I love you, Logan," Patton hiccuped, looking at me with hurt eyes. I know what they're saying now. He really means it. He really doesn't want me to leave. 

I hang on the edge for a moment longer before leaning back, gripping onto the bar. Patton let out a happy scoff, pulling me with. He helped me over the bar, and he pulled me away, then collapsed into my arms, and sobbed, holding me with the tightest grip I've ever felt. He was babbling "thank you's" to me. He's happy I'm ok?

I feel the pain in my chest grow to all over my body. My eyes fog and water, my face growing warm. My hands shake, and I stand still. I really tried to kill myself. I was going to leave Patton behind? Just like that? What kind of friend am I? Before I know it, I'm crying. Hard. Patton shushes me in a caring tone, and moved his hand up to my hair, running his fingers through it. I shudder, and sob, holding him back tightly, weeping into his shoulder. 

"Th-there you go, let it out," Patton encouraged.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm s-such a terrible fucking friend!" I cried. 

Patton shook his head and made me look at him. Both of us are crying. "You're not a bad friend, kiddo. It's in the moment. I know you feel lost, but you just need to talk to people." He tried to speak through his cries.

"But, I-I'm not struggling, I-I just, I don't matter,"

"Logan, if you feel you have no other option than to end your life, then you're struggling so much. And it's ok." 

"But,"

"No buts, Logan. You have problems. Serious problems that need help. You need help. And that's ok." 

I start to cry harder. He's wrong, but right... He hugs me close again, playing with my hair and whispering things to me.

"H-how do you know all this? D-did you just find me?"

Patton shook his head, "I could tell the moment you spoke, Logy. Your eyes, posture, tone, all were telling me that today was your last day..."

"How could you just... t-tell?"

"Takes one to know one, kiddo." He said softer, and we held each other tighter. 

He continued to say nice things to me, helping me, letting me know I'm valid. I don't deserve this... but man am I selfish? I'm so selfish, but, secretly, I'm glad he stopped me. Maybe now, I can have someone to go to... to help me. To let me realize that maybe my problems are... somewhat worthy of helping. Even if I don't feel like I deserve it. Maybe I deserve just a smidge of good. 

**Author's Note:**

> it may feel like there's no where to go, no ones hand to take, no room to feel. every door feels locked, and even though you have every key, you just can't open it because nothing works. its frustrating, annoying, upsetting. you want to scream, cry, break things, hurt others or yourself...  
> but stop. just for a moment. step back. breathe. people are there for you. at least one person is. its hard, and its ok to be frustrated, but sometimes, you need to realize that the door isn't locked, you're just twisting the handle a weird way. ask for help, someone will show you how to open it. you'll struggle again the next few times, and you may even forget at one point, but never give up, ask for help. you aren't alone. we're all here for you  
> i love you


End file.
